Tuesday, June 13, 2017

My nutshelled life

So my daughter started school this year. She is the best human I could ever have in my life. Everyday I get to receive the best therapy in life. For free. From this little bubbly child of mine.

I earned my Ph.d last year.I lost a baby the very day my results were declared. I ve had the best times of my life being a teacher. Life is wonderful. Life is not wonderful. Is wonderful. Is not. Is. Not. Is. Life is wonderful! 

How old am I really?

Words. Pouring forth. Like burning bubbles. Bursting out. From the depth of the heart. From the soul. Words. Experiences. Two intricates. Twining as they come.


I found this as a draft. Gosh. How alive I must have been. If I wrote this. But I don't remember writing these. Could be something Ive forgotten Ive written due to amnesia caused by dullness. Could be a copy pasted version I simply loved. Whatever it is, this is great!!

Sunday, March 30, 2014

My one true love

Yes, this time, you are my mojo.....
           
                You made me remember that once upon a time, I was me. That carefree, independent, keyboard-addicted, screen-tuned girl, often at the expense of losing a good night's sleep. But I was happy. I am happy now too, but its a different happiness that demands selflessness.
                More than a year ago, almost two years in fact, I could be selfish, indulging myself in fashion, food and even exercises. I was me, living in my own space, at my own convenience and living out of my income. Then October 6th, 2011 came, bringing with it waves of completeness, emotional stability and strain, strength and weaknesses...I gave myself up to him and severed my own independence.
            Since then, I've laughed and cried. The latter many times and the former, lesser. But God has granted me infinite joy, the deepest, fulfilling joy I have ever felt in my lifetime. God gave me YOU. My child, I love you. I used to snicker at "I love you so much it hurts", laughing at the pretense i detected. But now i actually hurt with happiness when i hold you, when i smell you, when I see you smile and cry. I stare and stare at you, like an obssessed psychopath, while you sleep. I see myself in your eyes. I feel the clasp of your tiny fingers around my finger and my heart clasps around you....I love you so much it hurts...
            Dear God, you've given and she's unrefundable...That's an order...She's my world now...yes, my mojo :)
             


Dearest Anonymous

Dearest Anonymous...

          Somehow a simple "Thank You" seem just enough to tell you my gratitude...you wouldnt ask for more. Unknown yet so known, we submerged...into that blissful solitude we call "Ours Only"... Fraudulent treats and shackles so tight we scream in pain...but breathe peacefully when in pain we faint...together...to beyond...so, to you, my friend, anonymous i claim, to our sneers, scorns, laughs, jeers, applauds, schemes...my happiness in all...

My bestest, my fun, my known unknown...
I hand this over...Thank you...kindly...

Friday, September 16, 2011

Compensating in humour

Something I came across on the net: :D


BEFORE MARRIAGE
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes. 
She: Darling! 

AFTER MARRIAGE
Read from the bottom going up

Saturday, September 3, 2011

“YES” but….

             “Yes” I said, as he went down on his knees and asked me to be his wife. He was beaming, I was blushing. We both looked like a pair of infatuated teenagers. In truth, we both had known we are to be married soon. All the necessary Mizo customs have been followed and done. The proposal was just for show, I guess, to satisfy friends’ earnest request, I think we looked ridiculous. J The congratulations from friends were touching, I never thought we deserve so much wishes and pats.
Finally, after a looong, smooth, almost stagnant relationship, I’ll be tying the knot on 6th October this year with my boyfriend of eight years. When we were younger, my friends and I were obsessed with the idea of a perfect wedding. We saw only in black and white, never realizing that there are grey areas in between. Our checklist was limited to mesmerizing gowns, elegant shoes and beautiful church decorations. Now my checklist is longer and more complicated, there are even hammer and nails included. I never thought so many details need to go into weddings. My “mesmerizing gown” which my younger mind had thought comes easy is a drainer. I am shocked by the price tag and the amount of weight I need to lose to fit into my choice. I am sick to the core hunting for that “elegant shoes” which remain unfound at this point. And “beautiful church decorations”? Depends on the amount you can or are willing to spend. The richer you are, the more beautiful it gets. Sad… L
I said “Yes” but can I really do it? My days are spent in thinking “what ifs”?. What if the night before I have a nervous breakdown? What if we don’t have enough money to meet expectations? What if I can't lose weight and fit into my gown? What if his family hates me? What if I my ring doesn’t arrive on time? What if I sprain my ankle before the d-day? What if I cry and smudge my makeup? What if I sneeze in the church? What if my guy farts? What if he runs off with a mysterious mistress? What if he’s secretly gay? What if, all along, he’s been cheating on me?
Even at this moment, so many questions are pounding into my brain it hurts. Sometimes I feel this is just a dream and I would wake to realize everything is still the same. Reality has not really hit me and I, myself, am still waiting for my “yes” to sink in.  

Monday, June 27, 2011

Hello, you are fat!!


            The much hyped twiggy figure has turned me into a flabby sinner. I can’t chisel myself into this desired figure of the day, so, I’m in violation. As a faithful follower, I buy Marie Claire every month and each time, I put myself on their scale and see myself wanting. They do promote plus-sizes but the fashion-shopping spreads are proofs that skinny women are preferable. They use only skinny models.
            Our own society doesn’t help either. We tend to scrutinize each other's bodies as a form of greeting. Every time I meet someone I know, either from the past or the present, I get commented upon in my face. The usual remark that I have so lovingly claimed my copyrighted possession is “Hi, oh…you’ve become so FAT”. While some people stop there, others extend to “You should NOT gain more weight”, “Shed some weight”. If only I could. Heaven knows I would do anything to make these banters stop. Questions like “Why have you become so fat?”, “Do you want to look like a mother while you are single?” are so tough to answer. If only I can make my body shrink with my mind, I would never have to struggle so hard to be thin.
    My body, as of today, hovers somewhere between the normal and overweight margins in the BMI range. Ever since I heard the first snide remark passed on my bloated form, I have been struggling to lose weight but to no avail. From diet pills and supplements, healthy food to rigorous exercises, I have tried them all. I have shed only a single kilo from my highest count on the scale. What do I do? For the past month, I have started drinking herbal tea and taking oats instead of rice. I have also been playing badminton regularly. But the crude remarks still come. My weight remains the same. Sometimes I just want to give up and slouch on the couch all day, eating potato chips and flipping channels. I just want to escape this burden society puts onto me. Of course, there are other means to be appreciated but I guess my psyche has been so regularly fed with the ideal of thinness that I can no longer find complete satisfaction in other ways. I try to convince myself several times that I have to embrace myself as I am, but with these pressures, I fail. It kinda sound pathetic and morbid, but by way of justifying myself, I profess these are ramblings unearthed from my deepest core, so, jolly me still turns up on the outside.





Friday, June 3, 2011

TRADITION and CONSERVATISM



The recent clarion call made by a certain organization of a particular locality to uphold tradition by wearing puan here in Aizawl sparked off numerous debates. While there were many who cheered this idea, there were also others, especially from the younger generation, who felt it was inconvenient and biased. It was considered inconvenient because by this law, women would be required to wear puan every Wednesday regardless of inapt time and place. And biased because the imposition was upon women only and not upon men.
Fear of antagonism seals my lips. I would not like to state an opinion on this, every view bids different angles and therefore, my opinion would not make me wholly right.
Ethnocentrism sometimes leads to unpleasant outcome. It is one of the many causes of horrifying genocides around the world. Valuing one’s traditions and customs is ideal in today’s world of multiculturalism but on the flipside, it can promote insularity whereby one would be egged on to denounce any change that modernization brings. Evolution forms the crux of life on earth. Culturally speaking, our food habit, dress and lifestyle are set to change with time.
But, from another stance, we also thrive on the past. In an age when quest for identity has become significant, reverting to the past to question one’s entity is important and as such, tradition still holds the key to achieving a sense of belonging. If even my limited learning about my culture and history in my high school could have so much effect, Im sure proper education, starting from the lowest, in these regards can be tools to moulding children and youth of today and the future.
 Still, drawing lines is as necessary as it is difficult. If we don’t, the past with all its practices can be a means to senseless conservatism. That is why we need to look back into those practices in the past with guarded eyes. What was once acceptable may no longer be valid. Taking heads as war souvenirs, for instance, was very much in back in the old days, but in our progressive society, it would never be encouraged again. How a particular custom was observed may not be applicable today but it may still persist in a different mode. Our perception and practice of Tlawmngaihna would be a case in point. But to discuss this would require a whole new post.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Melancholy....or not.


I think I’ve just hit an all time low point in my life right now. I cant seem to find my music, let alone finding the right notes. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed many days ago and its still bugging her, which, directly affects my opulence. There are ordeals that plunge me down the shame spiral and worse, everywhere you look, you see calamities. You take your stretching ritual in the morning on the balcony, thinking you would take a nice, slow, warm bath to start the day. A careless glance of your watch and your dream of a smooth sailing is shattered. You realize you have to reach the office by 8:45 am and its 8:30 am!! So much for peace and tranquility. The rest of the day, as the morning predicted, was a disaster. You returned home, exhausted by the rush and the reproach, and turned on the TV for comfort only to be greeted by local and international disasters. A collapsed wall here and a Tsunami there. All you could do at that moment was bury your head between your knees and pray. But at the end of the day, you realize you are better off than so many people in the world, particularly those unfortunate victims. The half empty glass is also half full. A fellow feeling here for all victims of the recent disasters!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Relinquish….

Death is a bliss, when life itself
Torments and haunts beyond assurance.
This existence that robs my sanguinity,
And thrusts me to a bleakness
So dark, is my peril.

The void that fills my cavity,
Advances into the unknown realm,
So alien, yet so right.
I close my shutters and look in,
And dab my dry face for drips,
So lost, is my faith.

Joy is the absolute, sorrow the other end;
Yes, they were, until this flash,
When only a flicker of emptiness burns,
Inertia sweeps into my being.
Beyond grief, tears, past that end,
My heart dies, its exhausted.