“YES” but….

             “Yes” I said, as he went down on his knees and asked me to be his wife. He was beaming, I was blushing. We both looked like a pair of infatuated teenagers. In truth, we both had known we are to be married soon. All the necessary Mizo customs have been followed and done. The proposal was just for show, I guess, to satisfy friends’ earnest request, I think we looked ridiculous. J The congratulations from friends were touching, I never thought we deserve so much wishes and pats.

Finally, after a looong, smooth, almost stagnant relationship, I’ll be tying the knot on 6^th October this year with my boyfriend of eight years. When we were younger, my friends and I were obsessed with the idea of a perfect wedding. We saw only in black and white, never realizing that there are grey areas in between. Our checklist was limited to mesmerizing gowns, elegant shoes and beautiful church decorations. Now my checklist is longer and more complicated, there are even hammer and nails included. I never thought so many details need to go into weddings. My “mesmerizing gown” which my younger mind had thought comes easy is a drainer. I am shocked by the price tag and the amount of weight I need to lose to fit into my choice. I am sick to the core hunting for that “elegant shoes” which remain unfound at this point. And “beautiful church decorations”? Depends on the amount you can or are willing to spend. The richer you are, the more beautiful it gets. Sad… L

I said “Yes” but can I really do it? My days are spent in thinking “what ifs”?. What if the night before I have a nervous breakdown? What if we don’t have enough money to meet expectations? What if I can't lose weight and fit into my gown? What if his family hates me? What if I my ring doesn’t arrive on time? What if I sprain my ankle before the d-day? What if I cry and smudge my makeup? What if I sneeze in the church? What if my guy farts? What if he runs off with a mysterious mistress? What if he’s secretly gay? What if, all along, he’s been cheating on me?

Even at this moment, so many questions are pounding into my brain it hurts. Sometimes I feel this is just a dream and I would wake to realize everything is still the same. Reality has not really hit me and I, myself, am still waiting for my “yes” to sink in.